20/09/11 - Whose idea was it to put an 's' in the word lisp?
02/09/11 - Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
25/08/11 - Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
06/08/11 - A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she said "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"
Her husband asked "Is that you, or the wine talking?"
She replied, "It's me...talking to the wine."
24/07/11 - I've got a pet newt. I've called him tinybecause he's my newt.
08/07/11 - A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
10/06/11 - What's the difference between knowledge and wisdom? Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is being wise enough not to put one in a fruit salad.
03/06/11 - Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
26/05/11 - I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
15/05/11 - If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
15/04/11 - Clones are people two.
21/03/11 - There was an old lady in front of me at the cashpoint this morning having a bit of difficulty. She turned to me and said - "Can you check my balance for me please?" So I pushed her and she fell over...
03/12/10 - A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ..."Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said her Grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!"
04/11/10 - When making butter there is little margarine for error.
21/10/10 - A girl approached me the other day claiming she'd once met me in a vegetarian club. I told her I'd never met her herbivore.
24/09/10 - There once was a Nun who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young Nun said, 'Last night a man made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The Nun asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that stupid smile off your face.'
15/09/10 - Diets again! I must be mad, I'm on two now. Well, I wasn't getting enough to eat on one.
05/09/10 - In preparation for Christmas I'm on a seafood diet - see food and eat it.
14/08/10 - FRESH OFF THE NEWS IN JAMAICA:
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kingston. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "The dash not silent!"
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If they axe you why, tell them the dash don't be silent!
03/07/10 - INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right
forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
08/06/10 - Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antennae, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
03/05/10 - A husband takes his wife for her first ever game of golf and warns her to be very careful as there are lots of expensive properties around. Unfortunately, her first swing sends the ball sailing through the air and they hear the distant shattering of glass. "We'd better go and see what damage you've done" says the husband. "This could cost me a fortune".
They find the house with a broken window and the front door is open so they call but receiving no answer they venture cautiously in through the door. There, in a beautiful room, a man is sitting on the sofa by a coffee table with the golf ball beside a smashed glass bottle.
"I'm so sorry, it's my wife's first attempt at golf. I'll pay for the damage immediately", says the husband.
"No, don't apologise" says the man on the sofa. "Actually, you've done me a huge favour. You see, I'm a genie and I've been in that bottle for three hundred years. In fact, I want to thank you and I can grant you three wishes. But, in the circumstances, could I ask you a big favour? Would you allow me to have one of your three wishes?"
The husband and wife are astonished and very relieved and after a short discussion are happy to give the genie one of their wishes.
"What is your first wish?" asks the genie.
The husband asks for a Swiss bank account with enough money to spend the rest of their lives in luxury.
"Ok" says the genie, "that's easy."
Next, the wife says she'd like a house in every major city with all mod cons and staff to run them.
"No problem" says the genie, "and I'll make sure they are protected from all natural disasters."
"Well" says the husband "what's your wish, genie?
"My wish is simple" he says. "I'd like to spend the afternoon upstairs with your wife catching up with a bit of lost time"
The husband and wife have another little discussion and agree that they have everything they could possibly want and as they love each other it can't do any harm.
The genie and the wife go upstairs and spend the afternoon very imaginatively. The genie seems almost insatiable but eventually he's satisfied and they go back downstairs to join the husband.
"Well," says the genie, "that was excellent, thank you. But tell me, just out of interest, how old are you and your wife?"
"We're both thirty eight actually" says the husband.
"Really?" comes the response, "thirty eight and you both still believe in genies?"
20/04/10 - Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
07/04/10 -
20/03/10 - Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
01/03/10 - There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
27/02/10 - A man was walking along a beach when he came across a bottle. He opened it and out popped a genie.
"Thank you," said the genie, "in gratitude I will grant you three wishes."
The man thought and then said "I wish I had millions in Swiss bank accounts. 'Whoosh' a piece of paper appeared in his hand with lots of figures on.
"Now I wish for a large, smart, shiny red Ferrari. 'Whoosh' a shiny red Ferrari appeared on the beach beside him.
"Now, I wish that I was irresistible to women." 'Whoosh' he was immediately turned into a box of chocolates.
08/01/10 - An exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said "If you were my husband I'd give you poison" He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
05/01/10 - Did you hear about the boy who used to pray to God every night to give him a new bike?
After a while, he realised that the Lord didn't work that way so he stole a bike and asked God to forgive him!
20/12/2009 - Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'
'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'
'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'
'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree..'
'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?
'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree... ees…
Ees…
Ees…
Eees a Ham Bush.
06/12/2009 - What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs? Anything you like because he can't hear you!
23/11/2009 - Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: ' God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
24/10/2009 - An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said,"I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be deterred, carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well" the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?" asked the grocer.
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
18/10/2009 - You've got five oranges in your right hand and 7 apples in your left hand - what have you got? Very big hands! (Sorry about that!)
04/10/2009 - A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, 'What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
'I had tolio as a child,' he answered.
'You mean polio?' she asked.
'No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.'
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked 'What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!'
'As a child, I also had kneasles,' he explained.
'You mean measles?' she asked.
'No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.'
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
'Don't tell me,' she said. 'Let me guess...Smallcox?'
16/09/2009 - The chieftain of the island was a modest man. He lived a relatively simple life in his grass house. His one little pretension was his throne. He always had to have the newest, most beautiful model on the market and every time he got a new throne he would stow his old throne in the attic.
The pile of thrones eventually grew too heavy and crashed through the ceiling right onto the chieftains head killing him instantly.
And the moral of the story is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
01/09/2009 -Two peanuts were walking down the road and one was a salted!